Students Spend Weeks in Summer School, Lose Sanity


Disclaimer: All events and people in this article are not real. This piece is written for entertainment purposes only.

“It’s such a fast course. Three months, and you have the same credits as someone who worked for nine,” junior Dennis Ross said. “But is it worth the existential nightmare that comes with it? Not anymore.”

For years, students who have failed out of their courses have the chance to redeem their grade at Central’s summer school, where the material is re-taught and re-learned at three times the speed. It’s such an easy option that the number of students in summer school has quadrupled since 2010, and faculty have been taking strides to make summer school less desirable for students with low grades.

“Last year, Christopher Corer and the other history teachers wheeled a huge pool out in view of the windows and threw a huge party. I got desperate and tried to sneak in, but they all just tapped this big sign that said ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE BUCKLED DOWN IF YOU WANTED TO PARTY DOWN.’” sophomore Erin Nauman said. “I had to watch them doing cannonballs and drinking virgin Pina Coladas from the prison that is make-up Spanish. It was torture.”

Other teachers have turned up the thermostat to make the learning atmosphere less comfortable than it is during the year. Creatives like substitute teacher Kahli Jansson played incessant mariachi music, driving their students slowly toward madness over the course of the long summer months.

“Ms. Jansson teaches remedial Chinese. She doesn’t even speak Spanish. I eventually came in one night with a baseball bat and destroyed the speaker she uses, but it was back in the same place in one piece the next day. I don’t know how it’s possible. Did I dream that I destroyed it? Have I finally been pushed over the edge?” Dennis said.

“I’m in Dennis’ class. He sent me a text that said ‘Finally did it!’ with a picture of the smashed speaker. But it was back the next day. The exact speaker was back, and the chat logs were gone from my phone. I’m not crazy, I swear.” Erin said.

Summer school isn’t all fun and games for teachers, either. Many feel that they are underpaid and overworked by summer students, who are rarely grateful for the time that they put in to ensure that their students pass.

“Me and Central High kind of have a weird parasitic relationship.” substitute Marcy Boudajajj said. “I think it’s sucking out my life force, but the pay’s better than what I’d get working at Slim Chicken’s, so I guess it evens out.”

For the sake of your teachers and your mental state, try to pass your classes. Ask your instructors and counselors for help if you’re feeling overwhelmed–it’s better than the alternative.

“I once blacked out and woke up writing ‘GO TIGERS’ over and over in my notebook. I think I have a The Shining kind of situation going on, but at least I’ll pass.” junior Makenna Zhang said.