The Tiger’s Stripes

Coyotes Invade State Fair; Governor Hutchinson Leads Charge against Canines


Disclaimer: All information, people, and events in this article are a product of the author’s imagination.

Chaos erupted at the Arkansas State Fair when an army of coyotes breached the gates on Saturday, despite the valiant efforts of several minimum-wage teen employees to defend the grounds. Rides halted as the dogs crowded around the bases, barking and yapping at the trapped fairgoers.

“It was worse than I’ve ever seen,” Miriam Goodfellow, 95-year-old resident of Little Rock, Arkansas, said. “Even in 1942, during the Great Sand-Wolf Siege, there was never an attack of this scale.”

Goodfellow and several others were trapped on the “Pharaoh’s Boat.” Riders described their experience as “harrowing” as the machine swung them in a low arc up and down, just above the heads of the raging dogs.

“We were thinking about sacrificing my dad to the hordes as a distraction, but then everyone had the idea to throw their corn dogs and turkey legs instead,” Timmy Heyes, who came to the fair with his family, said.

Timmy and his family managed to crawl along the spokes of the frozen ferris wheel and onto the roof of the haunted house, where they were picked up by a helicopter.

Several hours passed during which the coyotes consumed thousands of bacon-wrapped Oreos and scores of cotton candy puffs. One coyote discovered how to operate the funnel-cake fryer and began charging his allies for his services. A lone elderly woman, Zelda Bittenbinder, defended the pie-judging contest using her knitting needles as weapons; the contest continued despite the chaos as the coyotes realized that they were no match for Bittenbinder’s deadly precision and technique.

At 3 p.m., Governor Asa Hutchinson arrived with the Arkansas Anti-Coyote Resistance, leading a charge to flank the canines. Several thousand were chased away before the primary invasion force was able to regroup, and several hundred more were lured away by brave AACR soldiers who tied steaks to their arms and ran into the woods.

“We did a lot, but Hutchinson was the real hero of the day,” head of the Arkansas Anti-Coyote Resistance, Hunter Colt, said. “The Governor went undercover dressed as a coyote, ordered a funnel cake to gain the coyotes’ trust, and then learned their attack plans and information. He reported back to us later. Without his information, we wouldn’t have been able to break through their front line. We chased those pups out with their tails between their legs, we did.”

Governor Hutchinson could not be reached for comment.

After three hours of fighting, the coyote forces were chased away and fair activities were able to resume. New ride operators replaced those who had fallen during the initial onslaught and every fairgoer was offered a free funnel cake courtesy of Hugh Man Not-Coyote, whose stand quickly became the most popular attraction at the fair.

“Woof, awoo,” Not-Coyote said, serving a funnel cake to a young fairgoer. “Bark bark awooo.”

Despite the coyote onslaught, the fair was considered an overall success. Reginald

Grounds, owner and sponsor of the fair, is optimistic about next year.

“I know there were some hitches, but there are hitches in every good thing. We won’t be intimidated by a few desert wolves,” Grounds said.

Grounds offers his sympathies to the families of the ride operators who were overtaken by the pack, and will be erecting a statue in their honor on the fairgrounds.